I think most christians are hypocrites.

I'd be lying if i say im happy.

Helpless

I can't help it and I'm falling deeper. Why do I always have to fall for the impossible. I know where I stand but I don't know is it always like that? People tend to want what they can't have I guess and I hate this feeling I hate planting thoughts that would never happen in real life. I hate being stuck in my own fantasies knowing that everything would just stay in my head. Why do I always want to give in even though I know it's a never ending hole. Why why why why why.

But I can't help it. I guess I'll just pretend. I'm good at it actually so I'll just have to stick to what I do best.

If I ever tell you, how will you react.

Magic.

Weakling

Each day i die a little. I dont know but my insecurities are killing me. I want a change but I guess it will never happen. My insecurities are preventing anything form of change to happen. I can never be ready for it I guess? I've already struggled for eight years. How much longer do I need? When will I eventually emerge to be someone stronger braver. When will this change happen. Goddamnit I hate myself. I hate myself for being so weak so weird so insecure so awkward. Yes I'm really very awkward. My face shows everything. One look and you can tell how uncomfortable I am when I'm talking to a stranger. How can people talk so normally why am I so abnormal.

Oh god I'm so pathetic. I want a change but I'm never ready for it. I'm not even comfortable in a surrounding filled with people of acceptance and of the same skin. Self pity is just sad.

There's no time to waste. No more fantasizing no more escaping from reality. My thoughts should be acted out if not it'll forever just be wishful thinking. I need more courage.

No more living a charade

Ignorance

I realized I've really changed a lot. I guess I'm more mean, irritating, easily annoyed. It's like I've changed for the worst. Like wow someone's comment today really struck me 'I wanna gorge out your evil heart'. I mean the person was kidding but it wasn't a joke to me. God damn it I really do see the difference in myself but I cannot help it. But I guess I needa stop and take baby steps to improve myself. I don't wanna be an asshole I don't wanna hurt people even if others have been hurting me. I just don't wanna be the one hurting others with words. I mean I can be really mean and I mean it. I consciously say really crude stuff about this person without even considering how much I've hurt him making him insecure, lowering his esteem I don't know I just know im being mean FML.

And lately I've been swearing so so much I don't know I guess the f word is best to describe certain feelings. I don't mean I say it out loud but subconsciously I'm swearing.

And I'm such a bad friend I know I know I know.

And to you who think you're damn cute, stop confusing me.

H

E

L

L

O

I wanna keel you for ruining my life, giving me false hope.